To: Islamic Republic of Iran Foreign Minister Ali Akhbar Salehi
From: Makhzan al-Pand, IRI Foreign Ministry Research and PR Dept.
Subject: As Requested: Draft Response to WikiLeaks Revelations of Stratfor E-mails
Respectfully submitted for your consideration at the highest level of confidentiality:
The government of the Islamic Republic of Iran formally acknowledges and confirms the claim that the Zionist Usurper Regime That Occupies Jerusalem (ZURTOJ, otherwise known as Israel) has utterly destroyed the Iranian nuclear weapons program.
The Stuxnet and Duqu computer viruses, the magnetic bombs that martyred three Iranian nuclear scientists, carried out in cooperation with the terrorists of the Mojahedin-e Khalq, the explosions at Iranian military bases, and the latest revelations that Zionist commandos, aided by Kurdish fighters, have destroyed Iran’s nuclear facilities and its infrastructure. We can no longer hide the fact that Iran does not have a viable nuclear weapons program.
ZURTOJ has eradicated the Islamic Republic of Iran’s nuclear capability and nothing remains of it. Zionist spies have corrupted or deleted every computer file in the Islamic Republic, shredding and burning every sheet of paper with even a shred of dual-use knowledge that might be used in the pursuit of weapons of mass destruction. The Mossad’s super-sensitive mind control software has infiltrated even the brains of our researchers, from graduate students to our technical experts at the highest level, eradicating any recollection of the principles of nuclear fission and fusion.
The Islamic Republic of Iran openly admits to the world that the real reason for its reluctance to disclose the location and contents of our most sensitive and top secret nuclear weapons development facilities is because they do not exist.
The Islamic Republic of Iran has declared many times that it has no nuclear weapons program. In light of the most recent WikiLeaks revelations, the international community may now accept this fact. We fully acknowledge the enormous contribution of ZURTOJ to world peace by eliminating the Islamic Republic of Iran’s nuclear weapons program without dropping a single US supplied GBU-28 on any of our beautiful cities. ZURTOJ has the credibility, and therefore is welcome to take the credit, for assuring the the world that there is no Iranian nuclear weapons program in existence today.
We realize and sincerely regret the many inconveniences the disclosure of the disappearance of our nuclear weapons program may cause to the international community. US President Barack Obama and the Zionist regime’s spokesman, Benjamin Netanyahu, will have to find something other than Iran’s nuclear program to top the agenda of their upcoming talks. AIPAC will need to find experts on something besides “the Iranian threat” as a major theme for its annual policy conference next week. Republican contenders for the presidential nomination will no longer be able to rely on the slogan “bomb Iran” to demonstrate their deep understanding of the dynamics of global diplomacy.
Since the Islamic Republic of Iran has no nuclear weapons program, it anticipates the immediate lifting of all sanctions and the revocation of the planned boycott of Iranian oil. Although America presently is not a customer of Iran’s oil industry, the lifting of the sanctions and the embargo should result in a significant drop in the price of Brent crude futures in the global market, and avert a global oil crisis. Consumers can expect this to sharply reduce the price of gasoline at the pump in the US.
Iran continues to be in the forefront of supporters of a Middle East Nuclear Weapons Free Zone (MENWFZ) and expresses the hope that the latest WikiLeaks disclosures will prove helpful in securing its establishment, with full ZURTOJ participation.